Saruwatari Ayumi (junglemonkee) wrote,
Saruwatari Ayumi
junglemonkee

Catalog Shopping With Gramma and Grandpa

It's catalog season, and last night, pirateguillermo and I received The Vermont Country Store catalog. This company bills itself as "Purveyors of the Practical & Hard-To-Find," and a little peek through the catalog will tell you why. The people who want this stuff are either already dead or languishing in nursing homes in Wisconsin. Seriously. For a long time, pirateguillermo has joked that he can hardly wait to get old. One look at what awaits him in nursing home heaven has pretty much changed his mind. I think that getting old woudln't be so bad, but if I'm going to be old, I want to live in a better catalog.

Let's go shopping, shall we?

Apothecary
The first thing that jumped off the page at me was Cola Syrup. It's supposed to calm your stomach. Can YOU remember the last time your doctor told you "go home and have a six pack of Coke and call me in the morning." Really, I have to think that part of the reason this went out of fashion is that it doesn't work.

Apparel
Easily the most baffling part of the catalog. Sure, you've got the usual onslaught of spots for support hose and "miracle fabric" slacks, but it was the underpants that had pirateguillermo and I shaking our heads and sputtering. Really, nothing says "Granny" like GIANT UNDERPANTS. And I'm confused about the legbands. Is there a reason for having ONE INCH WIDE bands around your legs, other than keeping what's in...in? We'll pause a moment for the skeeving to calm down.

Food & Candy
The brown bread in a can was problematic. The Ralston Cereal, endorsed by Tom Mix, was silly because, well, he's dead. But it was the malted milk tablets that the two of us talked over for a long time. The ad copy says "Fueled many of the early expeditions to the North and South poles." That right there tells me that they're not meant to be eaten unless it's come down to a choice between them or your shoes. Then again, with the economy the way it's going....

For the Home
Now here's something creepy. The ad copy for the hobnail bedspread says "We'll bet your grandmother had one of these." That's true. My grandmother did have one of these. It looked weird because as they wear, the threads on the little bumps unravel, and when you sleep on them (I took lots of naps at Gramma Peg's house) they leave a pattern on your face that lasts until Mom picks you up and thanks Gramma Peg for making sure you got a nap.

Yankee Bargains
I guess this is a euphemism for "nobody else wanted this, but if we make it cheap, someone will decide that they can't live without it." And the award goes to these nasty candies. These are the ones that nobody likes. This is the way you know which house to egg at Halloween - because not only do they give out nasty candy, but they give out cheap, old stale nasty candy.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I can hardly wait for the wrinkles, that turkey neck thing, my bursitis to start kicking in....
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