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Catalog Shopping With Gramma and Grandpa

It's catalog season, and last night, pirateguillermo and I received The Vermont Country Store catalog. This company bills itself as "Purveyors of the Practical & Hard-To-Find," and a little peek through the catalog will tell you why. The people who want this stuff are either already dead or languishing in nursing homes in Wisconsin. Seriously. For a long time, pirateguillermo has joked that he can hardly wait to get old. One look at what awaits him in nursing home heaven has pretty much changed his mind. I think that getting old woudln't be so bad, but if I'm going to be old, I want to live in a better catalog.

Let's go shopping, shall we?

Apothecary
The first thing that jumped off the page at me was Cola Syrup. It's supposed to calm your stomach. Can YOU remember the last time your doctor told you "go home and have a six pack of Coke and call me in the morning." Really, I have to think that part of the reason this went out of fashion is that it doesn't work.

Apparel
Easily the most baffling part of the catalog. Sure, you've got the usual onslaught of spots for support hose and "miracle fabric" slacks, but it was the underpants that had pirateguillermo and I shaking our heads and sputtering. Really, nothing says "Granny" like GIANT UNDERPANTS. And I'm confused about the legbands. Is there a reason for having ONE INCH WIDE bands around your legs, other than keeping what's in...in? We'll pause a moment for the skeeving to calm down.

Food & Candy
The brown bread in a can was problematic. The Ralston Cereal, endorsed by Tom Mix, was silly because, well, he's dead. But it was the malted milk tablets that the two of us talked over for a long time. The ad copy says "Fueled many of the early expeditions to the North and South poles." That right there tells me that they're not meant to be eaten unless it's come down to a choice between them or your shoes. Then again, with the economy the way it's going....

For the Home
Now here's something creepy. The ad copy for the hobnail bedspread says "We'll bet your grandmother had one of these." That's true. My grandmother did have one of these. It looked weird because as they wear, the threads on the little bumps unravel, and when you sleep on them (I took lots of naps at Gramma Peg's house) they leave a pattern on your face that lasts until Mom picks you up and thanks Gramma Peg for making sure you got a nap.

Yankee Bargains
I guess this is a euphemism for "nobody else wanted this, but if we make it cheap, someone will decide that they can't live without it." And the award goes to these nasty candies. These are the ones that nobody likes. This is the way you know which house to egg at Halloween - because not only do they give out nasty candy, but they give out cheap, old stale nasty candy.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I can hardly wait for the wrinkles, that turkey neck thing, my bursitis to start kicking in....

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
hangedwoman
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:11 am (UTC)
Ah well, that lends credence to the idea that I can't wait to be the cranky old lady who yells at the kids to get out of her yard, because I kind of like that catalog. Yeah, some of it's funky, but it's also one of the places I know I can get maple sugar candy.
junglemonkee
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:25 pm (UTC)
I didn't diss the maple sugar candy. Nor did I did the licorice all-sorts, which are a personal favorite of mine, even though they look like you're eating earrings.

Although if you tell me that you have one of those granny sleeping caps they offer...I'm gonna have to mock you.
pirateguillermo
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:28 am (UTC)
The hilarity never ends
It just gets put on life support. This may be the reason for those leg bands.
gallifreyan
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:42 am (UTC)
I guess the wide band on panties is so they don't ride up with wear. Or so you can fill them with candy when the kids come for Halloween. Also easier to sew up one leg if you only have one.
junglemonkee
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
If your grandmother is filling up her underpants with candy and offering you some, this explains much about you.
gallifreyan
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:53 pm (UTC)
Well, she's not my granny, since she's actually only 4 years older than me. But I'm buying her performance, not her services.
alleahna
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:50 am (UTC)
I bet it's a warmth thing so cold air doesn't fly up your whatsis like it would in those flimsy NaNo thongs when you're in Vermont and wearing your twinset.

Because I can't really bear to think about the whole keeping what's in.. in scenario.
kr8vkat
Oct. 27th, 2004 02:49 pm (UTC)
You know, my mom gets that catalog. And buys things from it. Has for a long time. It used to be because my dad can only wear 100% cotton socks and that was one of the few places she could find them. Now? I don't know why know. I only know it comes in the mail, faithfully, every two months.

Oh, yeah, she bought me a Christmas gift from that catalog once. A bread box. It was huge. HUGE!
junglemonkee
Oct. 27th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
So, what you're saying is that if you eat all the bread that breadbox holds, you're going to be needing the giant underpants?
kr8vkat
Oct. 27th, 2004 04:24 pm (UTC)
Yes. yes, exactly.

So glad I got rid of that breadbox...
alleahna
Oct. 27th, 2004 10:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I needed that laugh very badly. You guys are too cool.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )