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This is my cat Oswald. He's large (but not fat) and has two modes: lumplike and evil. Either one can be turned on and off at any time. This means he has four modes: cat (not lumplike and not evil), meatloaf (lumplike and not evil), dervish of swirling death (not lumplike and evil), poison (lumplike and evil).

If you poke him, he makes a noise.

He's a pussy, in so many senses of the word. There is no creature in the world he can beat except pirateguillermo, whom he accepts as his dominant cat. But he is definitely NOT anyone's bitch.

The most reliable barometer of my own health is his willingness to be near me. The sicker I am, the closer he needs to get to me. This is a vicious circle, as I'm allergic to cats and the more he rubs his noxiousness on me, the more my sinuses swell up and the worse I feel. Just fucking kill me already, you hairy menace.

I took this picture of him just to prove to myself...I don't know what. But now I know what. He's such a jerk.