Saruwatari Ayumi (junglemonkee) wrote,
Saruwatari Ayumi

When It Gets Away From You

For an uber-introvert, I do an awful lot of things in public. During Nanowrimo, I noveled in public at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Now that I'm podcasting, I'm taking it on the road at every opportunity, getting as many people as I can into the mix.

Here's the thing. Obviously, as a writer, blogger and podcaster, I have things to say that I want other people to hear about. Most of my words are public and open for comment and input.

When I started my podcast, I immediately started obsessing about my statistics. I've seen other people posting in podcasting forums with this, so I know I'm not alone in my need to watch the number of people downloading my podcast go up and up and up.

It took almost ten days for my show to receive a hundred downloads. It was the aggregate total of both shows, but it was still one hundred downloads. It took about another five days to get the second hundred. It took two for the third hundred (that was yesterday). I got my four hundredth today.

I was elated, until it occured to me that I don't know that many people. That meant that there were people I didn't even know listening to my podcast. Listening, judging me, putting their own layers of interpretation on the things that my guests and I say.

On the one hand, I am excited that so many people are downloading it and listening. A few are even commenting (although, since I put an email button on the home page, I hope that more will comment) and telling me that they like what they're hearing.

On the other hand, it's really scary. This isn't so small anymore. This is people listening and telling their friends to listen and coming back and listening again. This is people judging not me, but my work in my absence.

That's really scary.

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