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Baby, It's Cold Outside

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This morning, I was in my bathroom and I'm sitting down doing my business, and when I get up, I turn around. There's a window directly above and behind my toilet and sitting on that window was a spider the size of a kitten.

I'm not normally afraid of spiders. I understand that spiders have a place in the cycle of life and they keep the insect population down and that basically they're very friendly and they have a good concept of "you're too big to eat so I'm not even going to try," but this wasn't that kind of spider. We have tons of those outside.

We have these sort of daddy-longlegs things with skinny gray bodies and really, really long legs. Whole families of them will build these giant spider condos that's just one spiderweb on top of another spiderweb on top of another and the nests seem to be about 4 or 5 feet tall. Those spiders don't bother anybody. You see a couple flies trapped in there, but it's all good.

But this thing - first of all, it was a really big spider and the web was invisible. Now, let me just say that when they do that, that's not accidental. They freakin' do that on purpose, and that means that this unholy offspring of Aragog and Shelob is out get somebody. And that somebody is the only somebody who's gonna be right there, sitting right in front of that bathroom window. That would be me. That spider is out to get me.

I took a couple pictures just to illustrate the fact that this spider was indeed the size of a terrier and I, with a herioc disregard for my own safety, even went ahead and pointed to the spider so that you could see that it was easily the size of a basketball (you know, like, a really tiny basketball). And it just sat there the entire time and just sort of this weird, malevolent yellowish-brown and I kind of thought to myself "You know, this is one of those creatures that is older than the beginning of time, and it's just had an infinity of eons of history to squat there, growing in bitterness and malice and hate, not to mention poison. And it just sits there with its little venomous fangs dripping. *sigh* In my bathroom.

And what do I do? What do I do? I can't squash it, because if I squash it, the thing probably has acid for blood and it's going to eat a giant hole in my bathroom window and I'm gonna have to spend a bunch of money to replace it. I don't own a stick that would a) fit in my bathroom and b) be long enough for me to entice the spider onto the end of the stick and give me time to run out the door and shake the goddamned thing frantically off the deck because the second I get it on the stick, the spider will be running full speed up the stick to get to my arm where it's going to suck all of the blood out of my hand until it resembles that withered, rotting bony thing that grabbed Harry Potter's hand in the first movie. Not really appetizing.

So I just let it sit there, pulsing. Now, here's a thing. Think about that word. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. You're just envisioning this spider sort of throbbing. Sort of bubbling in size. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Now, when it does that more than once, you could call it re-pulse. It was repulsive. Pulse. Pulse.

So, I did the only sane thing I could do under the circumstances. I left the house. The spider is still there on the window above the toilet. I fully expect there to be a body-ensnaring web across the bathroom door when I get home. Hopefully, I'll be able to find blowtorches and perhaps an off-duty cop. It's definitely going to take explosives and perhaps some sort of lasers to get rid of this spider because I can just see from the malevolent gleam in its eye bellies up to the bar and says "Gimme a Raid with a shot of Decon and a twist of arsenic." And that's not good.

POST SCRIPT: I'm home now, seven hours later. The spider is gone. On the one hand *whew*. The spider is gone.

On the other hand - where the hell did it GO?


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 15th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC)
Windex works well for removing spiders from bathrooms. You can aim from a distance and it can't hurt the window.

I can tolerate spiders (meaning I don't freak out much) in places like the kitchen or the back yard, but in my bathroom? That's a naked place! Spiders aren't supposed to be in those places.
Sep. 15th, 2005 10:28 pm (UTC)
That is so funny. You crack me up.

I must say, however, that I have seen larger. When my family lived at the top of the mountain, my bedroom was out in the garage. My dad built it himself so that I could actually have my own space, however, the door he installed had a two inch gap at the bottom, so all maner of creatures would get into my bedroom despite the blanket I stuffed in as a defense. This included frogs, lizards, and all species of spider. The most common were daddylonglegs, which I didn't mind until one fell on my head. I would also get these wolf spiders, or jumping spiders, large and brown things, some as big around as quarters. I also found over six black widows hanging out in my room during my stay there, big fatty ones too.

Freaked me out man, and Raid does not kill the big ones (believe me, I know). I spent several weeks once living out of my sisters room because a widow took op residence and I couldn't get at her.

That does not change the fact that this spider was obviously evil.

My favorite method of removal is vacum. You can suck them in without getting close, then if they survived I stick the bag outside so they can escape.
Sep. 15th, 2005 10:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask. Are you going to Writers with Drinks Saturday? I would love to see you there.
Sep. 15th, 2005 10:49 pm (UTC)
As spiders go, we've actually had much, much larger ones at our place. We had a couple whose bodies alone were nearly the size of the palm of my hand, so that I had to drop heavy things on them. Luckily, they were in the basement where the mess wasn't an issue.

And yes, I'm going to WwD Saturday!
Sep. 15th, 2005 11:29 pm (UTC)
I always make a pact with the spiders in our house. I inform them 'One to a room and no babies inside the house'. Generally this works quite well. Our bug population is almost zero with this pact, we (usually) have few problems with baby spiders dropping into our drinks or mouths. And, if they get too close to the ground and our calico has the interest, they're spider lasagne.

Spider removal suggestion? If you'd rather not maul the thing to death (I prefer to try not to kill them if I can avoid it - I have visions of the ghosts of spiders I've killed getting together, wrapping me up like Frodo in Shelob's cave and becoming a spider smorgasborg) get a glass and a piece of paper, put the glass over the spider and slide the paper between glass and other surface, working it under the spider. If you do it right, the spider will stay in the glass. The next bit is tricky but if you're fast you can get the glass upright, paper over the top and spider in the glass. Hold the paper firmly in place, take the whole thing outside and shake it wherever.
Sep. 16th, 2005 12:11 am (UTC)
Ah, those sort of things that look vaguely like a desert recluse, but supposedly we don't even have those around here. Or something. I think I had a spider like that in my bathroom one day behind the garbage basket.
Sep. 16th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
We need to lay in a supply of Aqua Net. I don't think it would have been the right thing in this specific instance, as the Q-tips were right there. But the old hairspray blowtorch is a sure-fire (heh) spider disincentive.
Sep. 18th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC)
*giggles* how about a cup and a piece of paper or cartbord to get him out..(cup over the spider and shove the paper underneath...and take him outside...^_^
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )