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Apparently, I Suck

The Pirate and I had a long conversation about my many electronics failures. He actually had a few more that I hadn't even thought about. For instance, we have identical cell phones purchased at the same time, and yet the battery life of mine is only a fraction of his battery's life. We have identical bedside lamps, but I seem to blow through lightbulbs much faster than he does. In fact, he mentioned that he replaced more lightbulbs in the first six months of living with me than he had in the years he lived by himself. No question about it - it's me. The Pirate had two things to say about it.

Theory One
The Pirate pointed out another thing: I'm blessed. Miracles happen to me all the time, and I just accept them as a matter of course. For instance, when I got laid off from my last job, the Pirate and I went to the Ren Faire. While we were there, I insisted that we buy a pair of champagne flutes - pewter dragon's claws holding sapphire glass flutes. They weren't cheap, and there's nothing about champagne flutes that could in any way be considered a practical, necessary expense. I told him then that it's an act of faith. If we knew that I would have a better job soon, it would happen. I take it for granted, and it *does* happen. That kind of thing happens so often that it makes me feel secure about the presence of miracles in my life.

According to the Pirate, you never get something for nothing. I get miracles, but I pay for them by having the worst possible luck with electronics. I'm +20 for miracles, but -20 for electronics functioning.

I can accept that.

Theory Two
Everyone has a bioelectrical field around their bodies. It's a weak field, and like all electrical fields, it gets weaker with distance. The Pirate posited that my bioelectical field is different than most - that my field causes me to suck the energy out of devices, which sometimes causes them to malfunction in inexplicable ways. The closer an item is to me and the more time it's on, the more likely it is to malfuction.

If this is the case, I should think that this is a measurable phenomenon. I should be able to go somewhere, have them hook electrodes up to me and say "Yes, you're the improbable love child of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl."

Well...they're good theories....



( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC)
You know, you could probably get that smug bastard Randi to pay out if you could prove your body screws up electronics. :)
Jan. 26th, 2006 08:11 pm (UTC)
FWIW, I kill watches too. I don't know about the other items, but if I'm going to wear a watch it had better be the old-fashioned wind-up kind; anything else will die within a month.
Jan. 26th, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
I like theory one, personally because that is so you.

As for theory 2, there has to be stupid crazy, hella lotsa grant money out there, just waiting for you. Do you know any scientists at Stanford or Berkeley?
Jan. 27th, 2006 04:08 pm (UTC)
About theory 2
The more I think of it, the more I like the idea that what you do is increase conductivity. Batteries will discharge faster because the resistance of the circuits near you is lower. Lightbulbs burn out faster because they wind up sucking more power than they're designed for.

Ooo, hey, here's another example: We have exactly the same watch, bought at exactly the same time. Your battery died, but mine was still going strong. We're re-running that particular experiment since I replaced both batteries at the same time.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )