Saruwatari Ayumi (junglemonkee) wrote,
Saruwatari Ayumi

In the Virtual Bank Line

I was on a submarine (perhaps it was just a large ship) and it was sinking. Even though it was perfectly oriented with respect to the water line, anywhere you looked, water was seeping in, and we were constantly walking through puddles. And yet, we passengers, in the midst of our mortal peril, understood that it was still imperative that we undertake to put on a musical about the Brady Bunch. I was to be Jan Brady, the middle child, and it was all I could do to keep myself from beating the kid playing Cindy to death. This smarmy, saccharine little kewpie felt moved to unleash her months of method-acting training on the complexity and nuance that is Cindy Brady, and she was gonna make me her best friend.

I was walking home just before the big performance (I know we were on a sinking ship, but now we're not. We're in a neighborhood I've never seen and I'm walking home. It's a dream. Get over it.) and I go inside and there's some guy. He's just won some kind of award and he's on a stage in front of a huge crowd of people who are all cheering for him. In the midst of the adulation, his daughter, who appears to be 18 or 19, comes up onstage with her boyfriend. She tells her father that she has something to ask him and a hush falls over the audience. The boyfriend looks like any middle-class schlub in the world - skinny, tousled hair, wearing a baggy shirt and cargo pants. The daughter is radiant, wearing a deep rose strapless gown that seemed to creep all over her body. When she waved to the crowd, one boob popped out. When she bowed, someone behind her yelled "Champagne glass!" which meant nothing to me but made the girl tug at the back of her dress. The cameras would creep up on her to get a closeup, but when it got close, you could see that the girl's face was pocked and pitted with acne scars, really rough and awful looking. When the cameras got too close, she would growl at them to back off, as though she were aware of how bad her skin looked on camera but was fine with having her picture taken from a distance.

The audience clearly expected the girl to announce her engagement to the boy, and the father had the look of a deer caught in the headlights. Instead, she told her father that now that he was famous, she wanted him to get Bono (yes, that Bono. The lead singer from U2) to eat at some restaurant and give it his recommendation. She figured that if people knew Bono ate there, it'd be a big success.

The meeting was arranged, except for one thing. The father had to turn himself into a parrot, and Bono had to turn into a duck. So, here's a large green parrot leading a female mallard (yup, Bono is a female mallard when he becomes a duck. Go figure) around an Italian restaurant. They share a plate of pasta and Bono gives the restaurant his endorsement before flying off with a lot of other mallards for the winter.

And then I woke up and wondered what could have happened to make me dream THAT.
Tags: virtual bank line

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