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Listerine Panacea

Last week, the Pirate guilted me into going to see a dentist. I had a giant horn growing out of one side of my gums, and while it hadn't actually broken through my cheek, it would have eventually.

I have to admit, my medical sensibilities aren't usually in line with other peoples'. If I have an ache or pain, my normal course is to do something that hurts more to fix it. Tired? Get more exercise. Sore? Stretch a lot. Injury? Pour caustic liquid on anything that's bleeding.

For this particular problem, I had been brushing (three or four times a day), then flossing, then filling up my WaterPik with about an inch of Listerine (and none of that namby-pamby pantywaist blue or orange stuff either - I'm talking about the pure, classic burn of Listerine GOLD) and pummeling the shit out of the gums in the vicinity of the horn.

When I went into the dentist, it turned out to be an abcess. It didn't hurt (after you've had a Listerine cannon fired at you, you're normally numb for a good while) until the dentist took one of the picks out of his Torquemada bag and began prodding at it. Once the haze cleared up and the dentists' hand stopped bleeding, I was given a prescription for antibiotics. He told me that it looked really good, and that I'd been doing the right thing with the whole Listerine irrigation, and the hygienist and I were theorizing that Listerine was really a cure-all for nearly any problem or symptom.

Minor scrape or abrasion? A little Listerine on a cotton ball will disinfect it and you'll be all better in no time! Canker sore? Gargle with Listerine and it'll be gone in no time! Trouble at the office? Down a few shots of Listerine and chances are better than average that you won't have to worry about work before long! Door-to-door salespeople piss you off? Dowse them with Listerine and you'll be seeing the back of them! Spouse and kids driving you up a wall? Listerine-filled balloons, lobbed from the safety of your bathroom sanctuary!!! There's NOTHING you can't achieve with Listerine!!!


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 28th, 2006 10:54 pm (UTC)
Ha! I was just reading in the holistic health section of the paper yesterday that someone thinks Listerine makes a wonderful mosquito repellant! Reminds me of the dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" who though Windex was the cure-all.

Glad you went to the dentist, though, and got it sorted out.
Aug. 29th, 2006 04:01 am (UTC)
Well, most living things are repelled by Listerine. Why should mosquitoes be any different?
Aug. 29th, 2006 02:50 am (UTC)
why didn't I hear about the Listerine thing BEFORE wasps tried to break into our kitchen? And here I mope, with empty water guns all over the place and not a wasp in sight...
Aug. 29th, 2006 04:02 am (UTC)
For wasps, you want to hook one of those outdoor misting systems up to a 50-gallon drum of Listerine. Wasps, flies, bees, ants, roaches, fleas and neighbors will be gone like magic!
Aug. 29th, 2006 04:07 am (UTC)
All is not lost! There are two large rats living in our attic! Yippee! I'm going to buy a supersoaker.
Aug. 29th, 2006 04:31 am (UTC)
And once you've doused them in Listerine, go ahead and light 'em on fire. That way, your attic will smell like burnt dead rat, but sanitaryburned dead rat.
Aug. 29th, 2006 05:00 am (UTC)
Cool, then I can finally get on fark.com without having to rescue rescue some &%$#@ baby deer!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )