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Green Monsters

I got a Solio. It sucked - didn't charge fast enough or fully enough to work for me. I sent it back. In general, alternative energy is still impractical for many people. Solar energy is expensive upfront and, thanks to backward thinking by California's state legislature expensive to use. Windmills don't work in many places, and building your own personal nuclear reactor isn't practical either.

But there's one enterprising group who've always depended on not just older but downright ancient sources of energy - monsters. A little-attended meeting during the G8 Summit has determined that, while monsters as a group are not gross polluters, they are nonetheless often in the vanguard of many trends, especially among Goths.

Prior to 1947, the monster community as a whole was still using biofuels. "Wait!" you say. "Aren't biofuels good?" Biofuels derived from vegetable sources such as corn and soybeans are good, however most monsters were still using animal-based biofuels such as the blood of the innocent and brains and by 1964 the massive civil-rights movements of most countries made use of these fuels a crime.

In the late 1950s, many monsters (and evil scientist monster-makers) experimented with nuclear energy. At the time, nuclear energy was still thought to be a safe, renewable energy source that could generate nearly unlimited energy for very little cost. Unfortunately, during the late 1960s, a series of leaks at some facilities led to the implosion of some evil lairs and by the 1970s nuclear plants as a viable source of energy were largely abandoned by the monster community. The alarming downside of this is that there have been many rumors (including those that first surfaced prior to the start of the hideously unnecessary and expensive second Gulf war) that those responsible for trying to sell nuclear material to Saddam Hussein were actually agents of Cthulhu.

However, the monster community has certainly rallied after its nuclear setback and are looking at not just inexpensive but renewable sources of energy. There have been some promising programs out there:

Solar werewolves
Leave them out all day, they're good for all night! Solar energy was hotly debated in the monster community with vampires and trolls threatening veto, but at the end of the day funding for this program squeaked through. The program has been a phenomenal success, as, with some simple modifications to the collection apparatus, today's solar cells could become tomorrow's lunar cells!

Shake fairies
Though they are considered a very niche special interest group in the monster community, fairies did demand a place at the table once pixie dust was criminalized by the FDC in 1981. Today's fairies are powered simply by picking them up and shaking them until they glow. One good 5-minute shake will power an average fairy for 3-5 hours, depending on mischief level. If you are the one doing the shaking though, do be prepared for retaliation. They may be green, but they're still mean.

Pull-string mummies
Sometimes an idea comes along that is so brilliant, yet so obvious that it has observers smacking their own foreheads and saying "Why didn't I think of this BEFORE?" Well, it's because some of us are evil geniuses and some of us have daytime jobs and that's just how things are.

NiCad Vampires
Instead of going to ground at dawn each day, why not close yourself into our Electric Coffin where you can literally recharge your batteries? The beauty of this is that at night, while you're out hitting the discos and providing Anne Rice with vicarious homoerotic thrills instead of drinking blood, you can also charge the batteries for your flashlights, remotes and other portable battery-powered devices!

Crankenstein
Victor put bolts in his neck, a brain in his head and now, a wind-up crank in his left armpit. His Arctic friends merely turn the crank for 5-10 minutes (providing them with some valuable thermal energy at the same time!) and he's lurching around quoting poetry and terrorizing Arctic villages again in no time. One nice DIY feature: using a handmade adaptor attached to a cordless drill, we were able to use Crankenstein to jump my car battery. Handy!

Hydro-trolls
Since you're under the bridge anyway, why not leave the goats alone and use the stream that's right under your warty nose? Many trolls who've turned to hydroelectric power are now putting money in their pockets by setting up tollbooths on their bridges and collecting per-capita tolls on bridge crossers rather than eating them outright, and the Bavarian Troll Collective has used its newfound wealth to buy up property in Beijing.

I hope that you've taken some lessons for your own life from these examples. Whatever your circumstances, current energy uses or level of social persecution, look around and see if you can't find some ways of making YOUR world a little greener.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
wordweaverlynn
Jun. 6th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
I am speechless. But not linkless.
pirateguillermo
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:44 pm (UTC)
The worrying thing about the pull-string mummies is that if you grab the wrong string, you'll just unravel the mummy. Now, as the manufacturer you'd think this is great: built-in need for replacement! However, as an end-user this does pose some difficulty. The after-market duct tape add-on is a real moneysaver, here!
pirateguillermo
Jun. 7th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
Oh, and...
...you're still a genius. Hilarious!
elisem
Jun. 8th, 2007 12:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, that is splendid. Must link!
sinboy
Jun. 8th, 2007 01:55 pm (UTC)
Arriving via elisem's link

and building your own personal nuclear reactor isn't practical either.

Practical schmactical. I'm talking *Mad Science*. FUN!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )