In the car
- First and foremost never signal. It is crucial to keep other drivers guessing at all times! Don't signal when turning and for heaven's sake, NEVER signal lane changes!
- Speaking of lane changes, even if you're on a relatively empty stretch of road, it's important to wait until you're 1.64 centimeters ahead of the only other car on the road before swerving abruptly into his/her lane. After all, if you don't cut them off, it's just not RUDE, is it?
- If a celebrant of Rude Day cuts you off, even though there are miles of space both behind you and in front, HONK! It shows your appreciation of their artistry in a rude way.
- Speaking of honking: honk early, honk often. If someone is driving in front of you (whether or not they were in that lane when you got there), honk. If someone gets too close behind you (likely trying to read that 12-point-type bumper sticker you've got that says something about mean people's oral sexual habits), honk! If someone pulls abreast of you and looks with lust in their hearts at the space in front of you and might, at some distant future point, be able to maneuver themselves into said space, honk! If you just see some attractive person and you want them to know that you're "in with the rude crowd," HONK!
- For the poor schmuck who didn't get the Rude Day memo and is foolishly trying to signal that they'd like to change lanes - speed up! Tailgate the guy in front of you (who will be sure to honk his appreciation) and ride the side of the road closest to the potential interloper. If he didn't know it was Rude Day before, he does now!
In the Office
- I need hardly mention that it's just not Rude Day until you've finished a pot of coffee and walked off, not just without making another pot, but without even turning off the warmer. With any luck, it'll break and NOBODY will be able to have any more coffee!
- While you're enjoying that last cup of coffee, stand squarely in front of the only sink in the kitchen while a queue of people forms to clean out their cups. Talk animatedly to someone else entirely, ignoring the evil looks from the queue sitters. If anyone has the temerity to ask you to move, shout at them for interrupting your "meeting." That's right, you get TRIPLE RUDE POINTS for yelling at someone else for being rude while you were being rude to them on Rude Day!
- You'll need a buddy for this one: troll the cube farm for the person most obviously under a pressing deadline. Once you've found that poor slob, typing away at his/her keyboard with that perpetual frown line between their eyebrows and a fine layer of sweat on their upper lip, proceed to recount at top volume the entirety of the last sporting event you watched. Bonus points if the deadliner actually cries.
- Go into a conference room and call your mother to outline to her in lengthy and vivid detail just where she fell short (Rude Day is sort of the opposite of Mother's Day in that regard). When the person who actually booked the conference room knocks timidly on the door, hold up a finger. They'll think you're signalling them to "wait a sec," but you're just giving them the first half of the two-finger salute. They'll likely keep knocking. When you're good and ready (that should take no less than 15 minutes after their initial knock), saunter out and say "Oh. I thought you'd found another conference room."
- Regardless of how vital your main rival is to your project, do not, under any circumstances, invite them to any meetings discussing the project. Assign them lots of tasks and when they miss deadlines, let them know that it had all been discussed at "the meeting."
- Speaking of meetings, be sure to schedule your most important meetings during LUNCH (but don't bother to make it the kind of meeting where you would consider feeding people). It's the one time of day you can be sure everyone's free, after all.
- In any meeting, it's important to leave as much time for chitchat and idiotic jokes as possible, so if anything of substance comes up, admonish the person who brought it up that you can talk about it "offline." Because we're all much more interested in Joe's upcoming vacation plans than in the project that's due for completion two weeks before he leaves, right?
I'm not even going to go into Rudeness At Home: I just don't feel up to it. However, I do hope that this has provided you a little inspiration to get out there and BE RUDE! And if you're already rude? Keep up the good work! Before long, we can be a whole world of people walking around with bloated, self-absorbed feelings of entitlement that make every day Rude Day!
Wait a second...