I’ve put together a handy list of nonexchange rates. It’s important when traveling to know exactly how many hoots there are in a good goddamn, and how flying affects your exchange rate.
To begin with, a hoot is equal to .85 fidder’s farts. The fiddler’s fart is rarely not exchanged anymore, however, and it is therefore hard to find anyone who won’t give one. A single fiddler’s fart is the equivalent of .64 tinker’s damns, which are also rarely not given. If you find yourself in possession of either a fiddler’s fart or a tinker’s damn, you might want to give them as soon as possible.
A single tinker’s damn is worth .12 rat’s asses. Please note that this rate fluctuates wildly as rat’s asses are currently being hoarded worldwide; soaring rates of apathy lead to fewer and fewer people giving them. As little as ten years ago a tinker’s damn was worth nearly .8 rat’s asses, and the nonexchange rate will only worsen over time. However, even fewer people give a good goddamn, so a single rat’s ass is only worth .25 good goddamns.
Worldwide poverty and hunger mean that a good goddamn is worth .7 of any given food item. Popular food items include falafels, figs and cheese sandwiches.
Fuck and shit are among the most commonly nonexchanged goods/services, and are considered equivalent. Anyone who doubts or disputes this has either never had a really good fuck or never taken a really good shit. Ask Mark Twain about it. Really. What is surprising about this is that only one of these nonexchanges is really believable. While many, many people claim not to give a fuck, soaring population numbers give that the lie. On the other hand, just as many people claim not to give a shit, and equally soaring obesity rates would bear that out.
Flying can have a profound affect on your nonexchange rates. Adding flying to any nonexchange increases its value in inverse proportion to the nonexchanged item/service’s propensity toward flight. For example, “I don’t give a flying shit” is not quite equivalent to “I don’t give a flying fuck” because as anyone who’s ever been to the monkey house at the zoo knows, shit flies quite well when wielded by a primate with a grudge. Similarly, flying falafels, farts and figs do not increase in value at the same rate as flying rat’s asses or tinker’s damns.
Lastly, it’s important to know the best places to perform nonexchanges. My personal suggestion is to stick with that tried-and-true standby, the airport. Most airports have many, many places at which one can not exchange things with both other passengers AND licensed shops. Chances are that nearly everyone at the airport will be more than happy not to exchange with you. Try to chat up the person in front of you in a queue and you will find that they are way ahead of the game in not giving a rat’s ass about your name, occupation or destination. Walk into a shop and not only will they not give a shit, they also won’t take any FROM you, so it’s no use giving them any in the first place. In fact, in many shops the clerks are so well trained that they won’t even give you the time of day.
I hope that I’ve cleared up nonexchange rates for you. I hope that wherever your summer travel plans take you, you’ll travel with confidence and style!