Saruwatari Ayumi (junglemonkee) wrote,
Saruwatari Ayumi

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I Haven't Posted Anything Significant In A While

1. The "Morality Meme"
2. What I've Been Doing with my Writing
3. What I've Been Doing Otherwise
4. The Direction My Life is Taking Doesn't Seem to Appear on my Map
5. I Hate My Fucking Job

1. I feel sort of bad. The thing going around masquerading as a meme was actually a survey started by cumaeansibyl and since several of the people who have gone on to take part don't know her, she's not exactly getting the results back.

But there is one interesting thing: Everyone who's responded has tended to think more same than different. I would be willing to bet that you could give this survey to the entire world and find a surprising number of points of agreement, which always makes me aware that we are a species. We are all inherently more similar than different. That thought always kind of makes me happy.

2. I've been indulging in an orgy of editing and submitting lately. I feel really good about the fact that I've gotten over that mental hurdle that had me too scared and too embarrassed by my own perceived lack of talent to submit anything. I totally credit the Nanos for kicking my butt and helping me find markets and the courage to send stuff to them. It's only a matter of time now before something I've submitted somewhere gets picked up, because it's good writing, goddamnit!

3. I have some sources of tension in my life. I'm having to take my second ex to court because he refuses not just to pay the back child support amount he agreed to, but now he's refusing to sign for her passport so that his grandmother can take her on a vacation, he's refusing to help pay for her braces, etc.

It's not the money. We make enough money to cover her expenses without his help. The thing is that when he got together with the woman to whom he is now married, he stopped talking to me. Before taking up with her, we were good friends. We hung out together, etc. I know that it's not realistic to think that sort of behavior would continue once he had another relationship, but it went from warm and friendly to completely antagonistic.

He refuses to talk to me about anything. I mean anything. Every time I make a decision regarding my daughter, he second-guesses me. I find this to be a normal response by someone who feels left out of the loop, but he's cut himself out of the loop. I have tried to initiate discussions only to be rebuffed and then blamed because I didn't discuss something with him.

In the past, I've tried to negotiate with him, but this time, maybe if he hears it from a judge it'll mean something.

4. I am currently in a weird limbo. Frankly, I think I've got enough talent to be a commercially viable writer. The problem is that I lack the time and the understanding of my family. pirateguillermo sees me struggling to make time for my novel, but let's face it - there's only one of me and one of him and a whole house and a garden and two kids and he's got stuff he needs to do as well. In the meantime, I have a boss who spends 12+ hours a day at work, and therefore isn't all that impressed by anyone who does anything less.

I'd love to be able to quit my job and just write, but that doesn't seem to be on the horizon anywhere. My extended family says "But you already finished your novel, right? When is it coming out?" They see people like J.K. Rowling (who took years to write her first novel and another full year to sell it to someone, and then another year for it to hit the market) and see a book a year for a few years and wonder why I can't do the same thing. They don't seem to see the rest of the picture where, by the time you've churned out a best-selling book, you're allowed to quit your job and write full time, and your publisher is willing to assign you editors who will help you through the most time-consuming part of the process - the editing.

But I'm not bitter.

5. The above translates into my looking at the work I get paid to do and think "Why? Why am I knocking myself out for this?" I like the people with whom I work, but I'm not going to feel very bad when I can quit. That probably makes me a horrible person, but there it is, then.

So, that's what's up with me. And how are you doing?

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