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Any Minute Now, I'll Be Awake

Okay, so yesterday I was at work at five-ish. Today, a slightly more sane 7-ish.

I left work yesterday with the Pirate, who came to pick me up. We went to go see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which was one vast, unrelieved landscape of puerile plot, horribly bad cinematography and characters that, despite the fact that they are all previously-realized literary characters, were barely more than innacurate stereotypes. It's disappointing that the writers had Captain Nemo, Alan Quartermain, Dorian Gray, Dr. Jekyll and the invisible man, and they couldn't scrape together a better story than they did. Ah well. Ours is not to question why. Ours is but to get revenge by writing something WAY better and then selling it for fat wodges of cash.

I have signed on to write both a gardening column and an ongoing children's story for a local guy. That'll be good. The children's story is one that I had been writing for my daughter a long time ago about an adventurous woman who loved to explore the world via food. The woman's name is Philomena Hogg-Wahfles, and at the end of every story is a recipe for little kids. The garden column is going to be pretty much how to garden with children. That should be easy. Children should be planted early in summer (pretty much the second school's out) head-down in well-aerated soil. Keep moist, not wet. Fertilize no more than once weekly (any more and they grow too quickly and you end up replacing their entire wardrobe several times during the course of the summer). Planting head-down is vital as it keeps the whining to tolerable levels. Plant them wrong-side-up and you're in for a summer of whining.

Having said that, I miss my girls. They're still at my folks' house having the time for their baby lives and I'm unable to go for more than about twenty minutes at a time without thinking about them. I have that feeling that people have about their favorite relationships, where everything you see you want to share with that other person, every thought you have you want to give to that person, and even if you have nothing new to share, you'd just like to be able to look across the room and see that person's face. The little one will be back Sunday, the older one not until the end of August. I just keep reminding myself that they're having a great time.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 15th, 2003 02:25 pm (UTC)
You slay me! So, so funny.

And congratulations on the column and the story...you go girl!

Jul. 15th, 2003 05:38 pm (UTC)
Hehehe. Planting children. Oh, that's too rich. Are you sure you should be writing children's stories????
Jul. 16th, 2003 09:19 am (UTC)
If not me, then who?
If Edward Gorey can do it, I am fairly certain that I can do it. And you will notice, if you ever happen to come to my house, that both of my children are currently alive. I see this as a testimonial to my fine parenting skills.
Jul. 16th, 2003 11:17 am (UTC)
Re: If not me, then who?
Ah yes, but will they grow up to be serial killers?


I definitely appreciate your sense of humor. Remarks I've made along the same vein have caused some friends to tsk tsk me and get upset/judgemental. Keep up the good work, and make sure you instill the same qualities in those kids in the backyard whose legs are flailing in the air.
Jul. 16th, 2003 12:26 pm (UTC)
Re: If not me, then who?
I thank you muchly. I think that your friends are upset at you because you don't currently have children. People think that a) if you make jokes about selling off annoying children for spare parts, you must be plotting to actually do it at the earliest opportunity, or b) if you had children of your own, you'd feel differently.

Nope. I've been making horrible jokes about children since I was a child, and now I tell them to my kids who have a wonderfully Addams-family sense of humor about the whole thing ("If you sell me for spare parts, I won't be able to give you the antidote to the poison I just fed you, Mother").

I adhere firmly to the family motto that has served me and mine for generations: Damnosem quid non facere ad icatio. (Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.)
Jul. 16th, 2003 01:18 pm (UTC)
Re: If not me, then who?
Damnosem quid non facere ad icatio.

Ooh, I like that! But aforementioned friends wouldn't. Which makes it even better, especially if they don't know what it means.
Jul. 16th, 2003 02:13 pm (UTC)
You need new friends
You know, ones that understand you, like you, and approve of you, no matter how weird you may be.
Jul. 16th, 2003 03:03 pm (UTC)
Re: You seed new friends head first
Oh, I have those too. Actually, the ones that get ticked off can be fun to toy with. Muhahahaha! But only occasionally, because too much and they begin to resent you and seethe.

Obviously, there are limits. For example, there's this paranoid, anti-government, right-wing religious extremist nut dating a friend's mom. He likes to go around, among other things, talking about B-B-Qing cats. Constantly. An occasional remark, okay, haha, relax, smile, roll with it. Over and over again, look up the FBI Serial Crimes Division phone number and keep it handy.

I like to think my friends haven't lumped me into that second category, but to be honest, I haven't asked.
Jul. 16th, 2003 04:57 pm (UTC)
Re: You need a thneed first
I have a confession to make. That family motto has only been serving me and mine since I made it up this morning. But it has a certain chewiness in Latin, doesn't it?
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )